Lessening Anxiety Around Divorce: Tips From a Financial Consultant
Welcome to MediatorPodcast.com, a mediation podcast and video series where we discuss mediation, negotiation, and collaboration.
Today we will discuss lessening anxiety around divorce with Olivia Summerhill. Olivia is the founder of a financial consulting company helping affluent women maintain their lifestyles and thrive post divorce by educating and empowering them financially. Having over a decade of experience in wealth management and private banking, Olivia dedicates her time to protecting women. Her niche serves famous and high profile women who need help navigating the financial complexities of divorce. She also consults with financial advisors and family offices to help their clients avoid divorce mistakes.
1. What are common misconceptions about divorce that can contribute to anxiety?
2. What are some practical steps that individuals can take to prepare themselves for a divorce in order to minimize anxiety and uncertainty?
3. How can communication with a soon-to-be ex-spouse be managed to reduce conflict during a divorce process?
4. What resources and support systems are available to people going through a divorce?
Melissa Gragg CVA, MAFF, CDFA
Expert testimony for financial and valuation issues
Bridge Valuation Partners, LLC
melissa@bridgevaluation.com
http://www.BridgeValuation.com
http://www.ValuationPodcast.com
http://www.MediatorPodcast.com
https://www.valuationmediation.com
Cell: (314) 541-8163
Olivia Summerhill CFP®, CMC®
Divorce Financial Consultant
www.summerhillfirm.com
Podcast: Divorce for Wealthy Women
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Anna (00:00):
Hi everyone. Welcome to meteor podcast.com, a mediation podcast and video series where we discuss mediation, negotiation, and collaboration. Today we will discuss lessening anxiety around divorce with Miss Olivia Summerhill. Olivia is the founder of a financial consulting company helping affluent women maintain their lifestyles and thrive post divorce by educating and empowering them financially. Having over a decade of experience in wealth management and private banking, Olivia dedicates her time to protecting women. Her niche serves famous and high profile women who need help navigating the financial complexities of divorce. She also consults with financial advisors and family offices to help their clients avoid divorce mistakes. Welcome Olivia. How are you doing today?
Olivia (00:51):
I'm doing so good. Thank you for that wonderful introduction. It's quite interesting to hear someone else talking about you <laugh>, isn't it? It's like, ok, let's <laugh>. That's, you've done that <laugh>. I know, but hopefully it's, it's helpful for other people to hear. Instead of just all of a sudden hearing someone talk, it's like, well, what do they actually know? So I'm glad that we do the introductions, but it's also still so weird to have someone talking about you. So, <laugh>, thanks for having me today though. Of
Anna (01:21):
Course. Is there anything else you would like to add to that background or wanna talk about how you even got to your position today?
Olivia (01:28):
I think what I would add is that I come from such a unique background of seeing in my own family as a child, as growing up in an affluent family, what divorce can do if you do it wrong mm-hmm. <Affirmative> with the finances and all aspects of divorce wrong. And if you see that like I did, how that can actually influence how I work with clients. Yeah. So I, I come with a kind of a interesting background and so I think that's nice to mention that I've seen the wrong ways to do it and then the right ways. So definitely I like pointing that out.
Anna (02:07):
Definitely. So today's topic, we're kind of talking about the anxieties around divorce and I've never gone through a divorce, but I can only imagine all the different anxiety you could have. So our first question today, what are common misconceptions about divorce that can contribute to this anxiety that we're talking about?
Olivia (02:27):
Okay, so I'm in behavioral finance and neuroeconomics and psychology of financial planning. So everything I like to do with clients is all about the misconceptions and the emotions around divorce and money and future thinking is anxiety written when we are in the very beginning of divorce or we haven't even divorced or had that conversation of divorce yet. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, we have some misconceptions that creates anxiety and guilt and shame and nervousness and all of those feelings of fear. I think the biggest common misconception that I like to work with clients on is them thinking that they're gonna be miserable during the process and after the process of divorce. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>, which is not true. If you can actually, and we'll talk about it today, I'm sure is what to do to not have a miserable experience, but that anxiety is something we also don't acknowledge.
Olivia (03:24):
And so most of the time if you are in the middle of something and you're going through mediation, just sitting with that anxiety, it's telling you something. Yeah. So it might be telling you that there's a misconception of a, a fear that's not actually a valid fear or it might be showing you there's something coming up that you need to be aware of. So actually honoring your anxiety mm-hmm. <Affirmative> mm-hmm. <Affirmative>. And honoring the fact that you might have some fears that might be valid or not, and talking through those is really helpful. Cause everyone has their own trauma and their own background and their own misconceptions and as long as you can get through to at least acknowledging and understanding where they are and how they sit in your body. And a lot of that also comes with money. Yeah. So that's what I see is the common misconception is that you're gonna have nothing after divorce.
Olivia (04:17):
Yeah. And you're gonna be just in the streets or you're gonna be camping and you're not even gonna be able to stay in a hotel at a fancy a fancy restaurant or a hotel. You're not gonna have a lifestyle that you used to have. All of this stuff is preconceived. Work through it, talk with someone about it because a lot of the fears around money or just around the divorce in general might be something that it's telling you something in your body and you can work through that and it's maybe not as valid. And maybe you do have more control over the future of your divorce and the future of your anxiety than you think you do.
Anna (04:57):
Now, this is kind of a, a sidebar comment mm-hmm. <Affirmative>, but where do you think these misconceptions come from? Is it from their family, from friends that have gone through divorce, things that they see in the media? From your experience, what's the most common?
Olivia (05:10):
So from my experience, it's friends and family. Okay. And that is something that we can go into detail about is a lot of times you're going to your support systems, which are your friends and family, and you're asking them for advice and you're telling them what's going on in your own relationship and they put the fuel to the fire and they're not trying to mm-hmm. <Affirmative>, but they're giving their own experience, which might have been quite miserable. Or they have their own attachment styles that they're bringing into your relationship and they're telling you what to do because they want you to do it different than they did. So it's really good intentions, but I see a lot of friends and family actually messing with the process and not adding anything of value and making mistakes because they're taking advice from friends who say, let's just say for example that that friend had a miserable experience and they saw that their soon to be ex was cheating on them.
Olivia (06:09):
And so they think that you should do what they didn't do, which is you should get the bulldog attorney and go after the, the student to BX because that person also has a, a girlfriend or boyfriend on the side and don't do what they do, which is they just threw in the towel and, and let it happen. Well maybe getting that bulldog attorney is not the best advice for you. And we're talking and we're talking about mediation and maybe mediation is the best thing for that person. So Right. Having conversations with professionals or with third parties that are non-emotional or people that are friends that can just listen mm-hmm. <Affirmative> and not give their advice. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, because again, going back to the misconceptions and the fear and the emotions that are in us when we're going through a a hard situation is we just need to acknowledge our emotions, let the anxiety sit there and be there. It's telling us something and going forward we can meet it with a different lens if we're not taking action from someone else's advice that might not be warranted for our situation. Mm-Hmm.
Anna (07:14):
<Affirmative>. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. Well thank you. Okay. So that's a perfect lead into our next question mm-hmm. <Affirmative>, which is what are some practical steps that individuals can take to prepare themselves for divorce in order to minimize this anxiety and uncertainty?
Olivia (07:29):
Okay. The basics done. <Laugh>, I mean that's a long question, but it's a great question. So, I mean, the basics that you can do, and anyone can do this to prepare for divorce, is make sure you're taking care of yourself. So putting yourself first is very hard for most people. Put yourself first. Get that little walk in in the morning, get that five minute meditation or three minutes at the most. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, whatever you could do. Eat a little healthier than you think that you want to because that's gonna fuel your body in a way that you can be prepared to minimize the anxiety when you have something tough later on that afternoon, like a, a session with your mediator that you're wanting it to go well if you exercise a little bit or meditate a little or take care of yourself by eating some healthy foods, that's gonna help you minimize that anxiety as best you can.
Olivia (08:20):
And also just acknowledging it. Right. that's going back to the first question is acknowledging that you're gonna have uncertainty. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>, we can't control the other party and letting go of that controls very hard. I think another thing is asking this is more of in the psychology realm is what is the worst thing that can happen? So I've asked that to clients is one thing, what do you not want to happen in five years? So going that almost negative route of seeing like, okay, what's the worst that can happen in this situation if you address it? That uncertainty can kind of dissipate, can disappear because you're addressing what the worst thing can happen. And usually it's not as bad as you think it is if you address it. Cuz usually we just kind of, oh okay, we are so scared of what could happen. We don't think about it, we don't talk about it. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. So I think taking care of yourself and making sure you address what is the worst that can happen and, and then talk about it. So talk about it with someone who understands.
Anna (09:21):
Yeah. And I love these steps too because they don't require money, they just require reflection and changing some habits during your day and I think that mm-hmm. <Affirmative>, anyone, anyone can do that.
Olivia (09:33):
I also will point out knowing your values, that's a huge thing I work on with clients and you can go online chat gdp, you can talk about it with, you can just talk about like what are some, you know, top of values that people have. So pull out 50 values Yeah. From the internet or ask a friend what you know, what are some values and work on it with with someone else that is gonna help you solidify and understand your top five mm-hmm <affirmative>. So getting it from all these values and that's gonna address where you wanna be in that mediation or where you are, let's just say in that divorce process, knowing your values is going to streamline the process and it's gonna guide you to where you wanna go. Cuz if you say one of your top values is education, integrity, family health, I mean those are some values that if you're guided it's gonna make your divorce process easier or whatever you're doing easier. So I think that's another strategy that I use as a tool and it's very successful with clients.
Anna (10:33):
Yeah. Those are all very great. Those are great advice and easy steps that people can take <laugh>. So okay, we've taken those steps. Now I think this might be the hardest part, I don't know, is how can communication with a soon to be ex be managed to reduce conflict during a divorce process. So now's the communication part.
Olivia (10:56):
Ooh. Okay. So there's two things. I wanna keep it very simple. Okay. One is, what is your significant other or your spouses soon tobe, spouse X, whatever you wanna call this other person in the relationship that you have conflict with, what is their biggest trigger? You'll know this if you think about it, is it you getting really quiet when they are triggered just for something else that's non-related to you and you go quiet? Is that gonna set them off even more? Mm-Hmm <affirmative>, do you need to change that potentially to, to whatever strategy will work to make them not feel even more triggered to you? What's the triggers? I mean is it you closing the door, not setting a boundary, setting too many boundaries? Is it you sending a message that reminds them of their mom or dad? I mean you'll know if you've been married for a certain amount of time, what is their trigger?
Olivia (11:54):
And I have to say if you can avoid and sometimes it's unavoidable, but if you can avoid triggering them, that's gonna help the process. And sometimes it's best to work with a psychologist or get a counselor who can help you through understanding your own triggers and then understanding their triggers and going through that. And I know some of you might be thinking, I don't care what their triggers are, I just wanna be done. I don't want to support them. It's gonna help you if you can help alleviate some of that stress that they don't even know they have. Yeah. And not have them go into fight flight, freeze fun. Mm-Hmm <affirmative> all of the stuff we won't go into today, but just what are other triggers that can help reduce conflict as well as another little tip is I love when a client uses either professional or uses a friend as a baseboard backboard, they send a text message or email cause we wanna do written communication as much as possible so that we have things accurately described and we can look back to see what we're writing to this conflict zone of a person and making sure it's not passive aggressive.
Olivia (13:08):
Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> or some kind of aggressive behavior in that that text message or email and having that, that sounding board of a professional or friend say, you know, to me that sounds a little emotional or it sounds a little passive aggressive or whatever it may be. And changing it sound more direct and less aggravated maybe. Yeah. Again, that's you having to take the high road but that will save a lot. Cause again, that might potentially not trigger the other party. So that's my two things is what are their triggers and then have someone review your email before you send it. Or your text message to that other party. No.
Anna (13:48):
Okay. Those are great and right. I think our human nature, we want to always go for the trigger because yeah, we're on the defense or even the of course, but you have to just avoid those triggers and then hopefully everything can be at least move forward with clear communication. Mm-Hmm.
Olivia (14:05):
<Affirmative>.
Anna (14:06):
Mm-Hmm <affirmative>. Great. Thank you. Okay, so our last question for today. So now that we're actually deciding to get a divorce, what resources and support systems are available to people going through a divorce?
Olivia (14:20):
Okay, I'm gonna take a deep breath cuz we're talking about some deep stuff today. And wherever you are, if you're on a walk listening to this or if you're watching on YouTube, it's always good to take some deep breaths. So talking about divorce, we're talking about money, we're talking about triggers and emotions. So deep breath. I would say it varies for everyone cuz everyone has different things that they, they learn from better and they they like better. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. And so for me it might be some clients like podcasts and there's plenty of resources on divorce and mediation and what's best resource for you might be a book and there's plenty of those as well. So I personally on my side, I have plenty of actual titles of books and actual titles of podcasts and other resources of other professionals. But I really just wanna say in a blanket statement, get some podcasts, get some books, whatever works best for you.
Olivia (15:19):
Use your friends as a resource but make sure you're, you're not having them give advice to you just listening to you. You need that, that just person in confidant who can help you through this time without giving their opinions. So that could also be hiring professionals and that those resources are always a very good idea. If you need free wor resources online, there's a ton of free divorce resources. And it also lists on my site and there's just online, I would say go online and see what works best for you for podcast books, free resources and other professionals. Cause I'm a big believer in outsourcing whatever you can to get you through a hard time. Yeah. That includes, again, exercise, eating healthy meditation, all of those online. There's a lot of resources for that too, on, on how to start that or how to get help with that if you haven't done that before.
Anna (16:13):
Great. and I've really appreciated all the advice and tips that you've given today because again, I've said it before, but it's, anyone can do these things where you're not sitting here asking people for money, you're not telling them you need to go out and get the best personal trainer, the best lawyer in town. No. Mm-hmm It all starts at home. It all starts with you and some close people that you can trust.
Olivia (16:38):
Yes. And that's the biggest thing. You're staying so well cuz I see this all the time as people want control, they want confidence. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>, you can create that yourself. So I agree.
Anna (16:53):
Okay. So lastly, let's just go through your resources. If they would like to work with you or talk to you additionally after this listening to this podcast, how should they do that?
Olivia (17:03):
My website's right there. I have some resources on it. And then also my podcast is divorced for wealthy women. So it's very specific target market and hopefully there's some helpful things. There's different topics on there that can be educational.
Anna (17:19):
Well awesome. Thank you so much for your time today and your wonderful advice. I think we kept this very short and sweet and I think people will get a lot of benefit from this.
Olivia (17:30):
Well, thanks for having me on. Glad to be here.
Anna (17:32):
Of course, you next time.
